The Jokes Page

 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have "Powergen" written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Zanussi" written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.

Does it look like I have "B&Q" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working so he goes to get a beer and notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how did this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried and cried and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and so I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or give him a blow job."

So the husband asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo!!!!!........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead?

I don't think so."

 On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play  together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and  began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to  go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.  Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around,  the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time
to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove
slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the  farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two
animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then
lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks

 

 

 
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that
she is a Spurs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 Woman - Hazardous Material Data Sheet!!!

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET 

ANALYSIS 

Element: Woman 
Symbol: Wo 
Discoverer: Adam 

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg 
Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions. 

Physical Properties 
1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint. 
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason. 
3. Melts if given special treatment. 
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. 
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore. 
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied. 

Chemical Properties 
1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones. 
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning. 
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol. 
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 

Common Use 
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent. 

Tests 
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state. 
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen. 

Hazards: 
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.